May 4, 2009

Can I get an AMEN?!

Having recently been dispossessed of my job due to big business malfunction, I was offered outplacement services as part of the reorganization severance package. Making use of those has been both educational and off-putting. On one hand, it's great to have people review your resume and critique your cover letters. On the other... well, I've been asked to tailor the content to use "testimonial" language and that doesn't not come naturally to my mouth... er fingers.

Despite living six years in the Bible Belt, and despite seeing several of the Super Pastors (clergy heading up giant churches, whose congregations exceed 10,000) giving their sermons, the lingo falls out of my mouth rather like a half-chewed grape that I didn't know had a squishy, mouldy spot on it. Maybe I have self-confidence issues that I'm unaware of, but one thing I know for sure is that I'm smart, adaptable and do really solid work. Isn't it enough to say that?

Outplacement services say no. Instead, they want me to use this as my intro/objective:

An IT professional with a diversified background in project and team management, known for resourcefulness and innovation, while simultaneously providing impeccable services and analysis. Recognized for professionalism, building strong team relationships and the ability to revise existing processes and create new ones that emphasize efficiency and accuracy specifically tailored to each individual environment. Awarded for outstanding IT performance by colleagues and clients. Acknowledged as a subject matter expert in several software suites, I bring my unique blend of people skills as well as my ability to see the big picture without losing sight of the details.

I'm completely at a loss. Sentence fragments abound and run-on without mercy. Am I writing in first person or third? And, why the hell do I have to put all that self-aggrandizing talk in there? It pretty well grosses me out and disgustingly, it continues like that for two full pages.

Am I wrong thinking this is over the top? Why can't people just communicate anymore?

1 comment:

  1. You know what this? It's a "tag cloud." It's a tag cloud for your resume. A collection of "it" words. Sentence structure is optional.

    Yes, I agree. Sad.